It’s Saturday again, it’s “Well, That Just Happened” again, it’s gaming story time. This time I’m doing something a little different, since I was playing something different, in the sense that the story is inherent to the game. The game that I’m talking about is Dragon Age 2, if you haven’t figured it out already (but you probably did). So, I was playing Dragon Age 2 and well, this just happened…
I was already pretty mad because of the fact that I started the last mission of the 2nd Act of the game before I got the complete Enasalin armor set. You know, despite Aveline asking me twice “Dude, are you sure you want to do this? Are you really sure?”. I was like “pffft, get outta’ here Avie, I did all the side quests, let’s do this!”. I start the mission, the dialog and the cinematic end, I immediately open up my inventory and notice no Enasalin chestpiece. I naturally proceed to curse the Maker, Andraste and all the Old Gods.
Anyway, I cool off just a bit and then make my way through Hightown where I finally meet
Meridia Knight-Commander Meredith (shout-out to Jean Gilpin, great voice actress). She’s quite the badass, but I immediately establish she’s evil (mostly based on reputation, of course). We also meet the First Enchanter who’s idea of a distraction, for the dozen Qunari guarding the entrance to the keep we were supposed to infiltrate, is to casually murder all of them with little to no effort. ” *sigh* Why do I even try?” I think to myself. I also think to myself “If he’s so OP, who the hell kicked his ass so bad earlier, that I found him knocked out?”. And this is where the rage comes back. I just had to jinx myself.
I bust in the keep, the viscount’s head rolls down the stairs and it’s time for a chat with the Arishok, the Qunari “spiritual” leader (I guess the quotation marks are not really needed since he actually is a spiritual leader, but I don’t know how else to mock him). He calls me blind, I tell him I can still see through his funky hat though, he pits me against his “elite guard” (oh, how I mock them), it takes literally 15 seconds and he is obviously impressed so he challenges me to a duel. I’m like “Whatever, Ari-schmuck. Anytime, anywhere. I’m a badass assassin. I’ve got all the single-target damage.”. Not exaggerating, he beat me 20 times before I had to just take a 30-minute-long walk. Infuriating is not a strong enough word to describe how I felt. Why was I so furious? Well, mainly because the Arishok is a dirty-fighting cheat with no honor. Yep, you heard me right. That Qunari bastard called Arishok is a cheat. He fights dirty and without honor and he should be ashamed to call himself Qunari, let alone Arishok.
Here’s how the Arishok fights. He basically has 4 types of attacks. He’s got a charging attack, an AoE sweep, an implaing attack and a variation on a heavy attack. Oh, and they all knock you down, unless you’re a tank. So, you’re thinking “Well that shouldn’t bee too hard. You just have to dodge a bit.”. And you’d be mostly right, except this bastard Arishok is a prick. I manage to dodge all of his attacks and take down a third of his HP, but I can’t keep up with dodging and he lands a hit. I’m knocked down, I just have to get up and dodge some more. Nope. The Arishok comes right up to my face and knocks me down again before I even get the chance to get up on my feet. He knocks me pretty far away this time, I’ll have time to get up. Nope. He charges at me and knocks me down again. I get back up, but I’m against the wall and I don’t manage to dodge in time. I’m back at his feet, he hits me yet again as I try to get up aaaand… I’m dead. OK. Bad luck, I guess. Let’s try this again. Same opening, dodge, dodge, dodge, small mistake, I’m knocked down, I try and succeed to get back on my feet. I attack some more, he starts a heavy attack and for some reason I try to run away from him. I’m about 5 metes straight away from him, there’s no way he can hit me from… He knocks me down. OK, I’ll just get up and attack him again. I get close to him, he impales me on his sword. There’s no way to dodge that, by the way, at least not that I know of. Aaand I’m dead again.
There are a lot of deaths, like these, based on the variations of dick moves the Arishok used, that I could talk about. But, I’m not kidding when I say “a lot”. Finally, after burning all his potions and dodging almost all his attacks, I manage to defeat him. The only thing I can think about after that fight is “If, after this, I’m given the choice to either kill or spare this prick of an Arishok, he is so dead!”. He hit me while I was down… constantly… until I died… over and over again. Fucking Arishok! I’m telling you, there’s no honor in these Qunari.