Before we get started, we need to establish that it is indeed the correct time. Is it Saturday? Who the f**k knows anymore?! That’s all we need to know to get this show on the road. By show, I mean article, and by on the road, I mean tapping away at a keyboard, indoors because that’s how we roll these days. I do miss taking my fine self down to my local coffee haunt and tapping away at the keys. Yeah, yeah! I know, I am one of those pretentious asshats that likes to write in public, sue me! Actually, please don’t. I don’t have much to give away if you win, and let’s face it, you’d win. With that nonsense out of the way, it really must be that time of the week; welcome, everyone, to this week’s Saturday Saaaaaaaaaaannnnnnddddboooooooxxxxxxx! Mmm, I went for an epic Michael Buffer ring entrance there, and in my head, it sounded great, but it probably isn’t the best thing to do in, you know, an article? Well, hopefully, you joined in while reading along while once again patiently waiting to get to the actual point; you know, games? Because this is a weekly video game feature, apparently.
In Last week’s edition, we looked at why chores and other such things are that more enjoyable in video games than they are in the real world. This week, and this will shock every single one of you, we are going to carry on with a theme! I know, I know. There will be outrage. You’ll be thinking, WE DON’T COME HERE FOR COHERENT CONTENT, YOU SON OF A BITCH! Well, it’s happening. Don’t like it? Sue me! Oh wait, no, don’t do that, we’ve already covered that earlier on. Okay, so, tough! It’s happening.
If chores are fun in video games, and we like to do our little daily tasks virtually; then what aspects of video games would we most like to have in the real world? Told you it would be fun; actually, I didn’t say anything of the sort. It seems I just told you all what was going to happen in a rather aggressive sort of way. For that, I can only apologise. So, let’s get this party started, and here are five video game concepts that would rock out with their coc…socks? Out.
Also, this will only work for anyone that’s seen South Park, but it’s made me laugh, so it’s staying in
5. Endless Pockets
We start our wish list of video game real-life concepts with something that always makes me laugh, if I think about how a character would look in the real-world: the amount of equipment video game characters can carry. If we take a game like, say, Grand Theft Auto, your character can carry up to 8 or so weapons, all the ammo for those guns and also save room for snacks and the odd mask. The Dragonborn in Skyrim; well, he can carry, if he/she so chooses, 250-odd cheese wheels! Now, I know we have such inventions as bags to carry more than our pockets can hold, but I’d rather have the ability to carry around a TV on my person without actually having to carry it. You know, for those times when you need an emergency TV. I’d also love to be able to carry around, like, 500 packets of crisps for the simple reason of I bloody love crisps.
4. Fast Travel
I don’t mind travelling. I do not drive, so I am at the mercy of public transport, but when I am going to places, I can just kill the time easily by listening to music. However, the ability to instantly travel to places; now sign me up for that, please! Now, we are playing this by video game rules, so for the fast travel to work, you must have already been to the place you are wanting to fast travel to. This does mean if you want to instantly travel inside a bank vault (like in the alright-ish movie Jumper), then you’ll have to scout the area first. What it would do though is give me about an hour extra in bed in the mornings before work!
3. Regenerative Health
Easy one, this. We’d all love the ability to self-heal like many of our video game heroes. Would we all become a bit more reckless if this was an actual thing? I think that would be a resounding yes. This isn’t immortality, mind, so you can’t just jump from the top of your office building to get to the pub first. Combat sports would also start lasting as long as cricket matches in this world of superhumans, which I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. Surely boxing is only popular because bouts are relatively short? You wouldn’t want to watch two people bash each other for days on end, would you? If you answered yes to that, then that’s cool, no issues here at all (backs slowly away) and….wait a minute, you can’t hurt me (suddenly gets rather brave), so if you did say “yes”, then you’re a complete and utter (remembers anyone can find anything out on the internet, including people’s addresses)…lovely person.
2. Skill Trees
Now, we have a version of levelling up in our actual world; it’s called learning, but what if you could see what skills you could learn given enough practice or use of a particular skill? Let’s take something ordinary; football (soccer). Sure, you can practise and practise to become a better player, but what if you could see all the skills involved in football and pick and choose which attributes you want? It could go for anything: DIY, cooking, talking to women (what?), you name it.
1. Save Points
How many times do we wish we could go back in time and change something we’ve done or said? Me? Oh, only about 100 times a day. How incredible would it be to save just before you do something, and if it doesn’t work out, just reload the save? Regret buying that fourth pizza of the week? I don’t know why you’d regret that. But if that’s what you want to use this for, don’t let me stop you, this isn’t a save-tatorship here. Also, we would have to retain our memory of what we want to change, otherwise, we’d probably just keep doing the same thing over and over and we’d be stuck in an endless loop! A bit like reading the Saturday Sandbox, really; an endless loop of regrets. Also, for this to be desirable, we would have to have a limited save function like the ones in Resident Evil. Otherwise, we’d all just be how I am when I’m playing Skyrim, quick-saving every two minutes!
That’s my quick list of what video game mechanics I’d like to see in the real-world. Can you think of anything else? Sound off in the comments, then, please, my peeps.