I’ve played some weird games over the years, but I think Priest Simulator: Vampire Show has to be one of the weirdest. I went into it fully expecting weird, though, so it’s not like I was caught off-guard. In fact, it’s the reason I took the game in the first place – that and the fact that I like pretty much anything vampire-based.
What Is Priest Simulator: Vampire Show?
You play as Orlok, a powerful vampire who, thanks to a malfunctioning elevator in hell, finds himself launched into a small Polish town called San de Ville, which is divided into two categories – Shatanists and Christianists. He’s initially well received by the local Shatanists, who view him as something of a celebrity.
If that doesn’t sound wacky enough for you, Orlok quickly comes into contact with the local priest (or con-man) Torpedo, who strips him of his vampire powers. He then blackmails Orlok into doing a whole bunch of stuff for him if he wants his vampire curse back.
Which is how we get to what the game is really about: a powerless vampire running around in a cassock and playing priest.
Weird, right?
Mockumentary-style cutscenes make it even better, with characters like Orlok and Torpedo talking straight to the camera. In that sense, it reminds me of the film/series What We Do in the Shadows.
Audio and Visuals
Vampire Show is fully voice-acted, and to be honest, it is actually pretty funny in that tongue-in-cheek sort of way. Voices are often exaggerated and nasally. Orlok himself sounds like an avid smoker.
In terms of graphics, it’s nothing special, but I think that’s the point. Characters are a mix of wooden mannequin and puppet-style designs, which really fit the wacky vibe the game has. The scenery is more realistic, but I did find that the textures and animations could sometimes be a little iffy.
Gameplay
So, we already know that Vampire Show has us playing as a powerless vampire forced to pretend to be a priest, but what does that mean?
First and foremost, you’ll be completing tasks set for you by Torpedo and other villagers to raise the level of faith, or Christianism, in the town, because his influence is largely based on his ability to trick residents into believing. His words, not mine.
To this end, you’ll spend a lot of time fighting Shatanists – devil-worshipping residents who have gone from being your fans to your enemies. When you’re not doing that, you’ll be wiping up graffiti, renovating the church, taking confessionals, and performing the occasional exorcism, all of which are pretty fun and provide a nice amount of variety to the gameplay.
The sandbox elements feel a little limited, though, especially considering the game markets itself that way. Outside of the things I’ve mentioned above, there isn’t much reason to explore the village of San de Ville. There just wasn’t that feeling that I could spend hours just messing around doing nothing, like I could with a game like Goat Simulator.
Combat
Without his powers, Orlok has to adjust to a new way of fighting. He has to make use of a series of gloves and weapons. There’s a nice variety of long and short-range weapons to play with, from a knife to a gravity glove, which you unlock or pick up as you go along. There is also the opportunity to upgrade these weapons to make them more powerful. Orlok holds a weapon in each hand, and you control them using the left and right triggers.
I wasn’t the biggest fan of the combat in Vampire Show. Even with a decent range of weapons, it felt a little slow and clunky, especially with the melee weapons. You have to get pretty close to use them because, mostly, Orlok jabs rather than swings. You also can’t finish an enemy off when they’re down, so fights can drag as you have to wait for them to get back up before attacking them again. I get that it’s fight etiquette, but I wouldn’t have thought a vampire from hell would care that much about something so trivial.
Exorcisms
There are only a handful of exorcisms to perform, but you can complete them as many times as you like, with the promise of a reward if you can beat them all in record time.
To perform an exorcism, you have to enter the home of a possessed villager. You’ll immediately start to take damage just for being in there, but completing certain objectives, like destroying Shatanic totems and flipping crosses the right way up, will heal you a little. The idea is to complete all the objectives and exorcise the victim before time runs out.
I did find myself struggling with the cross objective, though. The totems are easy enough to see because they give off a glowing red aura, but the crosses are less noticeable. It’s worse when you’re low on health because the screen starts to take on a red hue, which makes it hard to see.
Since Orlok is steadily losing health as long as he’s in the house, I sometimes struggled to find the crosses I needed to flip because visibility was low.
For some reason, my weapons kept swapping when I entered one of these exorcism houses, too. I’m not sure whether or not this was intentional, but it was a little annoying because I’d have to spend a few seconds at the beginning cycling through them to get to my preferred weapons.
Final Thoughts
Priest Simulator: Vampire Show is a wacky, somewhat blasphemous experience with an absurd storyline, plenty of tongue-in-cheek humour, and rough but charming character designs. I really enjoyed the mockumentary-style cutscenes because Orlok had some pretty funny reactions to everything going on. I did find the combat a little tedious, especially since Shatanists would frequently come running after me. That said, it was a pretty fun game to play.
Developer: Asmodev
Publisher: Ultimate Games S.A.
Platforms: PC, PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X/S
Release Date: 7th May 2026
Gaming Respawn’s copy of Priest Simulator: Vampire Show was provided by the publisher.
